HopelessDreamer

Just paid for my holiday. I can't wait to get out of here. I feel so excited that I might decide to start packing now! lol

What an interesting day. Firstly my GP signed me off for another week. At least it's official so I don't have to be facing any mind battles about not being at work. Still feeling crap, but hey, I am going to look at the positive side.

I struggled to walk to the town to get some groceries..amazing how one is left to "die" of starvation. I am pretty much sure tomorrow all mates will call and ask if I need anything..too late my dears! again.

Just going to get writing again..got a new inspiration for my two main characters in the book. Hurrayyy...finally some brighter ideas :-) lol

I will keep it short and sweet tonight. so...good evening to you all!

Officially, this is my fifth day of being stuck at home. And what is the outcome? I don't feel any better, and if, perhaps even worse. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to work and I can't even think about it. I feel all swollen up from all the water I have been drinking in those five days...I feel like bottomless well. How am I going to be sitting in the office talking to customers when I sit at home with shut curtains in silence and I still can't get rid of the headache?

In such times as this...I start dreaming. Lucky me at least something gets me away from hopeless reality...yeah, hopeless dreams. :-) all together as you can see...there isn't much hope for me. But hey, not everybody's life is bright and cheerful.

My friend tells me it was sunny today? Aw, was it? I missed it again. (you can't see much through the total blind curtains + who really cares when not feeling well)

I am still waiting for somebody to reply to my job applications. I guess I will be a lottery winner quicker than getting a new job. And trust me, for somebody who never won anything in her life...this is a big statement.

I am getting tired of being tired. I feel like a prisoner in this little "cage" room I have here. Yeah, that's the right name. This isn't a chamber, room, little room...this is a cage. After spending last five days here I hate it even more.

I am sorry that I sound really negative day by day...it's just all so depressive. I am trying to look on the bright side...if I can see any bright side. The only bright thing that happend today was that I woke up in the morning, alive. I suppose I should stop complaining and go to say "hello" to my pillow. I guess we haven't seen each other for a while...exactly 15 minutes? wow. impressive. lol

And so, nite nite bloggers. I am holding on for brighter tomorrow! It can't get worse than now...can it?

PS, thought of a poem:

I am in a desert, wide and plain,
the sand's blown in my face,
I feel the pain.

I am in the middle of the Ocean
being tossed there and fro,
and the water's carrying me further,so far,
where it's taking me, I don't know.

I am standing on deserted Island,
around me, I cannot see
one living soul, one single tree.

I am alone in the darkness
waiting for someone to bring me the Light.
waiting for that gentle hand,
to end this hopeless night.

After I spent the whole weekend in bed, waiting for the antibiotics to kick in, so I can "run" back to work this morning...I gave up and stayed at home. I felt pretty much crap in the morning. I have to say I had mind battles about this "skiving" whole day long. And then my colleague send me "a get better" email to say: "I am so jeallous of you sitting at home right now, as it's pretty manic here." Boy, didn't that make me feel much better!

I've been thinking about all the decisions I am suppose to make. Everybody kind of expects you to do a certain thing. The most difficult part is to actually please everybody. That will never work. Somebody once said, you have to follow your own heart to lead you and show you the way...is it possibly you feel led in two ways? or is it just me going nutz here. I can't explain, but sometimes I feel so hopelessly left to swim or sink. And with my fantastic abilities...(can't swim) ...i will most definitely sink.

I've read through a book of mine that I wrote some six years ago...amazing how much one changes in six years. Yet I feel I still am this naive creature that I was then. Maybe more sarcastic and more uptodate with life's ways and customs...but..still a hopeless dreamer.
Gosh, how I hoped to actually publish the book...now I wonder, who would read this bluff?

Don't we have enough authors who describe any possible shape of romance? You name it from Danielle Steel...to novel authors in the past..I don't have a chance to beat Jane Austin's masterpieces. Timeless.

At times I get a hold of a book and after reading few pages I get an impression I could do better than that. Does it mean that any rubbish get published nowadays? Does it mean you just have to know ppl in right places? Or am I just to self-critical thinking that I don't stand a chance? I wish I knew what ppl think about my books, yet I fear that nobody would like them. Pathetic right?

I will be packing my suitcase in about a month time! hurrayyyy...not sure why on earth am I rejoicing. it's only for two weeks. But with the helping my brother to revise, I will feel like being back at the college...down the memory lane. But it feels good to wave this town a farewell, at least for a short time. Maybe I am quite lucky that I am feeling crap, otherwise I would start packing now. I am that idiot who kinda gets excited and over excited ages before the holidays.

I better get going...

What a boring evening.

I am laying here in my bed, waiting for the painkillers and antibiotics to kick in...my head is "boiling" at the moment. I might not make much sense while talking tonight. I just feel a bit rubbish. A bit?

The Moon rudely laughesat me through my room's window. It's quite a clear night here, I have to say. The only thing is..I wish I was well and somewhere else.

Did I mention? I hate my room. It's small, doesn't look very stylish and feels rather like a cage. Three walls and a window, no space to put things, no space to breath...

Renting seems to be the only affordable way to live. Why don't I take a loan? Well, I suppose I don't like the feeling of being tied down by something.

It can be quite frustrating at times, when you think you are stuck. I have been trying to apply for new jobs, hoping it will solve many problems...but just as I supposed, no replies. I mean, to find a decent job cannot be so hard right? At times I feel so useless, so hopeless...I think I am a bit too low today. I don't have the thermometer here...but according to what I feel like at the moment..it must be quite a fever.

I was writing this afternoon..yes, writing my book. Book that nobody else will read, cos so far it's only my way to "de-stress". Amazing how it works. The only thing is, one loses the sense of reality after a while and lives as if still in the book. Which can become a bit of a trouble.

It's nice though, for a while you can be where you want to be, who you want to be, who with and do what you like. For a while ppls around actually respect your decisions, if you want them to. Great feeling that is! And trust me, I know something about that. There are too many ppl in my life who ask for my opinion, and once I give it, they will critisize and tell me I am too "naive" and a "big dreamer", or stupid. Well, don't ask then! I thought. What's the point of asking, if you can't respect what I say!?

Yeah, I am in the trouble actually. Facing some big decisions here...and with my undecisive character...it's going to be pretty tough. Fingers crossed I will come out of this one "alive" and "kicking".

Oh well, enough of me moaning. Nite nite.

One Lazy Saturday Afternoon...

My life is so full of decisions...and I can't make them. It's quite disturbing. Just like right now, I am sitting here, instead of going out to catch a bit of Sun, visit the chemists and get myself the antibiotics I was prescribed.

Instead, just as you could suppose, I am sulking at home, thinking how badly ill I am (poor little me) how unfair it is that it's Sunny out there and why on Earth there is nobody to bring me in that chocolate I am craving. This is hopelessly undecided afternoon.

That's what happens when you are at home with pleuritis. If the chest pain was on the left side of my chest I would have all kind of black thoughts...but hey!

So, I am sitting here, thinking about my life (how pathetic) and I have to say, I don't particularly want to go back to work on Monday. You neither? Welcome in the club. Let's face it...what is awaiting me? Screeming customers, unreachable targets, unreasonable requests...maybe I should find a different job. I mean, I have been there for 2 years. Is that long enough? Can't decide on that.

Plus, do I really want to live in this country? I can't tell you for I don't know. I wish I could pluck up some courage and flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of here. Can somebody let me know when you find a fairy godmother with an available appointment? I think I would like to ask for few things...she better be good. Although I wonder if I could actually decide what I would want to happen most.

You know, recently I was thinking I would love to open a cafe. How great it would be. My friend told me I must be "going bonkers", well, I might, but who cares! I just see myself baking in the kitchen and doing all kinda crazy stuff...but you can't do something like that on our own. But unshakable as I was...I marched into the library to get some books about setting a small business...and so on, I studies hard, so hard that I made myself believe I am back at the college. (now..I am beginning to see my friend's point )

But oh well, I gave up. One person cannot do it all. And so I keep on hating my job, and still undecided what to do with my life. If somebody asked me...I would say my dream is to be a writer. I have been trying to write for years...and I never give up. That's one thing I've never given up. But how would I know that somebody would be interested in my books. I don't expect to join the club of lucky ppl like J K Rowling, Danielle Steel...etc...I am not such a high flyer. But to have enough money to get a little cottage by the sea..and publish a book a year, that will keep me going so I can enjoy a bit more of life...nice idea.

So, good afternoon to you all who can make decisions much easier than I do, and to all the hopeless ppls like me...hang in there.